Dearest
I cannot remember your face anymore.
I tried to put a face to the one who causes me immense
amount of sorrow and pain. A state of being that I have come to hold close to
my heart since it is the only state in which I am able to recover vestiges of
you. ..
And when sorrow comes…in these fleeting moments I find
myself lashing at little torn rags of laughter and words that once had
comforted me beyond comprehension.
When I think of you, my mind carefully takes these bits and pieces
out from a chest buried deep within the cage of my heart and lay them out
lovingly. Slowly the light, in which I saw you and doted endlessly, has begun
to fade. I can see lesser details of all these rags of memories I have kept of
you.
The diffused warmth of the setting sun has slowly softened
the sharp edges of your real features. I have to strain the vision of my
perception to recognize you in the gradually dwindling light of your gradually
dwindling presence. I don’t see so well anymore, but over the time my eyes have
adjusted to this pale remnant of you.
I sometimes fear that the wind would blow the flickering
candle light of my hopes and dreams…so I cup my palms around it protectively and
pray this candle burns steady as the paint brush stirs darkness into the
palette of twilight hues. So it glows softly and flickers often, but radiates
such warmth that when I look at it, I feel hypnotized. The warm glow falling on
the skin of the memories of you is mesmerizing and I have slowly and
unknowingly fallen in love.
I have fallen in love with an image of you that I have
created in this half-light which flickers every time I let my guard down. I no
longer recognize you in the harsh light of reality. I can no longer relate to
or access the reality that everyone sees in the presence of a loved one.
I have fallen in love with a shadow that I go chasing in delirium,
as the lights of reality begin to fade.
I see your face but I refuse to believe that it is you in
this fake burst of artificial illumination.
I see your face every day but I cannot remember your face
anymore.
